


Grateful

by musicgirl1120



Series: A Month of Marina [9]
Category: Station 19 (TV)
Genre: Character Death, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, blame, post episode 3x12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:49:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27226819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/musicgirl1120/pseuds/musicgirl1120
Summary: Set immediately after station 19 season 3 episode 12 so major spoilers.  Basically, how I imagine this day from Maya's perspective.
Relationships: Maya Bishop/Carina DeLuca
Series: A Month of Marina [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1969765
Comments: 2
Kudos: 81





	Grateful

The moment she left her best friend’s father go up on that roof, Maya felt sick. She knew why he did it and as much as she wanted to stop him, he pulled rank on her, something he knew would get her to listen to him. 

As she watched him start to vent the roof, Maya was frozen in place. When she heard Warren on the radio, she almost didn’t hear him over the roaring in her ears, but he called again, pulling her out of her thoughts. She told Warren to take his patient to the hospital, her voice breaking. Warren of course heard it and asked what was wrong. She told him, and he didn’t ask any more questions, but even if he had, the roaring was back in her ears. 

When he fell through, she felt her entire body go numb. She called for him on the radio, but she knew he wasn’t going to answer. She called for a rapid intervention team and then just stood there, staring up at the roof, thoughts running at about 100 miles an hour through her head. 

The rest of her team stumbled out, but she was barely aware of it. It wasn’t until she saw Andy that she dropped her head, trying to keep herself from crying. She knew that there was a good chance her best friend would blame her for what happened, hell her entire team. She just stood at the end of the ladder. 

All of a sudden, she heard a cry that broke her from her thoughts. She saw Andy on her knees, tears running down her cheeks as she cried, Sullivan running to her side. She watched Vic go to Travis, the two of them embracing. Ben went to Gibson and Miller, explaining to them what had happened. Maya watched both of their faces fall and tears start to run down their cheeks, Gibson kicking a spare bottle that had fallen near him. 

Maya wanted to move, tried to move, but her body just wouldn’t. She watched Hughes and Warren guide Gibson, Montgomery, Dixon, and Miller to the Aid car, getting them oxygen before Warren went over to Herrera and Sullivan. Maya watched as the two men supported Andy to the side of the engine, sitting her down. 

As she tried again to move, she felt a hand on her shoulder. 

“You alright Maya?” Vic asked, as Maya turned to look at her. 

Maya shook her head as Vic slipped her hand into the blonde’s. 

“Come on,” Vic said, leading Maya down. 

“I’m good,” Maya said when their boots hit the ground, regaining some of her composure as she pushed her emotions down and away, “Let’s go check everyone out.” 

Maya pulled off her helmet and turnout jacket, throwing them in the side of the engine before going to the aid car where her entire team was except for Andy. 

“Everyone needs fluids and oxygen,” Maya said, looking at all of them. 

Everyone nodded as Vic and Maya quickly started lines for everyone, handing everyone a bottle of water to drink too. 

“What the hell happened?” Gibson asked, looking at Maya as she handed him a bottle of water. 

“Captain Her…” Maya started then stopped, taking a breath, “Cap went up and vented the roof. And he… Sorry. He went and vented the roof and he… he…” 

“It’s ok Maya,” Travis said, pulling his mask down. 

They all knew what happened. Tears rolled down their cheeks. Warren came over. 

“How is she?” Maya asked, looking at the doctor. 

“She’s in shock,” Ben said, grabbing two bags of saline and oxygen masks. 

Maya followed him over to Sullivan and Andy, kneeling down in front of her best friend who was catatonic, the tears from earlier gone as she just sat, staring at the roof. 

“Hey Andy,” Maya said, not sure what to say, “I’m going to start a line, is that alright?” 

Andy nodded as Maya pulled off Andy’s jacket and rolled up her sleeve. Andy didn’t even flinch as Maya slid the needle in. 

“I’m so sorry,” Maya said, not sure what else to say to her best friend. 

Andy just stared, not moving. Maya put a hand on her shoulder, just sitting next to her. Warren tried to get a line in Sullivan, but the Battalion Chief refused, looking at Andy and then Maya as if to ask the blonde if she had her before getting up, going to talk to the other captains on the scene. Maya just sat there with an arm around Andy for a few minutes before her friend put her head on she shoulder, tears running down her face. 

“He said to tell you he loved you,” Maya said, starting straight ahead, “He said that everything he did, he did because he loved you.” 

Andy let out a terrible sob that Maya could hear even through the mask her friend was wearing. She then sat up, moving out of Maya’s embrace as she doubled over, just sobbing. 

Maya wasn’t sure what to do so she just sat there, one hand on Andy’s back. Andy shoved Maya’s hand off and the blonde didn’t know what to do. She just sat there, not wanting to leave Andy alone, but also knowing that she was probably the last person Andy wanted near her right now. 

Luckily, Sullivan came back over a few minutes later, sitting down on the other side of Andy, putting a hand on her back. This time, the grieving woman moved into his arms. 

“You guys are off for the rest of shift, effective immediately,” Sullivan said, looking at Maya, “I called C shift in to cover for you. Get your team back to the station and send them home. I’ve got her.”

“Thank you, Sir,” Maya said, getting up, “Let me know if there’s anything you need.” 

Sullivan nodded as Maya headed back to the rest of her team. Everyone looked beyond lost. 

“We are no longer working, effective immediately,” Maya said, looking at her team. 

They all nodded, the sadness and exhaustion written all over their faces. Maya, Vic and Warren all gathered up everyone’s gear and supplies from around the scene as the rest of the team got hydrated. 

Just as they were pulling the last IV from Gibson’s arm, two firefighters from station 23 walked out carrying a stretcher with a body bag. Everyone from 19 stood up, saluting what they knew was their captain. Tears ran down most of their faces as Pruitt’s body was loaded into the back of 23’s Aid Car. 

Sullivan guided Andy to his car and they followed behind. Once they watched them drive away, the rest of the team loaded into their trucks. It was silent the entire ride back, no one knowing how to handle the death of the man who had brought them all into the station, made them all a family. 

When they got back, everyone robotically unloaded the trucks, hanging their turnouts back in their places. Maya told them all to go shower and go home, they had the rest of the day off and tomorrow as well, except Probie who needed to work the desk until the next shift got there. 

Everyone nodded before going to shower. Maya walked back to her office, standing at the door, unable to open it. All she could think about was when she had gone in to talk to Pruitt, how this was always his office. This was the place he had welcomed her and Andy to the team together in this office. 

She just sat down at the front desk, just staring at the office. She sat there for a long time, Miller, Montgomery, and Hughes walking past her in a daze as they left. 

Gibson stopped and looked at her just sitting there. 

“What’s going on Bishop?” he asked, coming closer. 

“I can’t go in,” Maya said, sighing, “I’m fine. I’m just having a hard time embracing the pain. I’ll be fine.”

“Is there something I can do?” Jack asked. 

Maya shook her head, “Just go home Jack.” 

Gibson nodded, not really wanting to deal with a Maya Bishop blow up today. He walked out of the station, Maya still just sitting in the chair. Warren came down the stairs a minute later, looking at the captain. 

“Go home Maya,” Warren said. 

“I don’t…” Maya started, “I can’t… I…” 

“Do you want me to call Carina?” Ben asked, pulling out his phone, already pulling up the Italian’s number and texting her to come to the station ASAP. 

Maya just shrugged, staring at her office door. She knew this was stupid. It was just an office. Pruitt was all over this house, everywhere they looked, there were memories of their former Captain. However, for some reason, she just couldn’t go into the office. 

“Carina’s on her way,” Ben said softly, “Do you want me to stay until she gets here?” 

“I’m fine,” Maya said, shaking her head as she pushed herself out of the chair, “Go home and be with your wife.” 

“You know this isn’t your fault right?” Ben asked as he looked at his captain, “Pruitt would have done what he did no matter what.” 

Maya nodded, fighting the tears that threatened to spill over her. Ben laid a hand on her shoulder for a minute before deciding to go outside, but not actually leave just in case. He was worried about the young captain. She had just watched her best friend’s father plunge through a fiery roof to save her entire team. 

Ben watched Maya walk to her office door, putting her hand on the door and opening it. She just stood there, staring at her office. 

She wasn’t sure how long she was standing here, but the next thing she knew, she felt a hand on her back. She turned, seeing Carina standing there. 

“Ben told me what happened,” Carina said softly, brushing a tear Maya didn’t even know was there from her cheek, “What do you need?” 

“I need to get my stuff out of my office,” Maya said, “But I just keep seeing Captain Herrera in this office.” 

“I will go in with you,” Carina said, taking Maya’s hand, “Whenever you are ready.” 

Maya nodded, taking a deep breath before walking over the threshold into the office. She went to her desk, grabbing her stuff. 

“Are you ok if I don’t shower until we get back to my place?” Maya asked, realizing she smelled awful, but having no desire to spend more time in the station today. 

“Whatever you need,” Carina said, smiling at her, “Are you ready to go?” 

Maya nodded, grabbing her bag. They drove home, Maya in somewhat of a catatonic state the entire time. 

All Ben had told Carina was that their former captain and Andy’s dad had died in the fire today and Maya had witnessed it. Carina had about a million questions, but it was clear neither Ben nor Maya wanted to talk about it anymore. 

When they got to Maya’s place, Carina watched as Maya pulled her bag out, walking toward the apartment. 

“Are you working today?” Maya asked as she opened her front door, going inside and hanging up her bag. She was still dressed in her work uniform which she normally would have changed out of. 

“I am on call tonight,” Carina said, nodding, “But I can get someone else to take it if you need me to.” 

“I’ll be fine,” Maya said, rubbing her eyes. 

“What can I do?” Carina asked softly.

“I need a shower,” Maya said, taking a deep breath, “I stink.” 

“Do you want me to make some food while you shower?” Carina asked, not totally sure what to do in this situation. 

Maya had just lost someone from her team two weeks ago, but this was clearly different and she had no idea what her girlfriend needed. 

“Will you shower with me?” Maya asked quietly, not looking Carina in the eye. 

“Of course,” Carina said, nodding, “Whatever you need.” 

When Maya didn’t make any moves, Carina took her hand, guiding her into the bathroom. She started the shower before she started taking off her own clothes. She turned to Maya to guide her into the shower only to see that her girlfriend was still completely dressed. 

“Bella,” Carina said, almost startling Maya out of her thoughts. 

“Sorry,” Maya said, shaking her head as she reached for her buttons. 

“It’s alright,” Carina said, offering a half smile. 

They climbed into the shower once Maya got her clothes off, just standing in the warm spray. Carina grabbed the shampoo and gently washed Maya’s long hair before washing her body as well. 

“I almost lost them all today,” Maya said as Carina helped rinse the conditioner out of her hair, “My entire team was in that building and I almost lost them and nothing I tried was working and then Captain Herrera showed up and saved them all and I just let him. I mean, I tried to stop him, but he was insistent and he pulled the Captain card. But now I’m worried I lost them anyways because I let him go up there and they are all going to hate me more than they did before if that’s even possible.” 

Maya was full on sobbing by this point and Carina just wrapped her arms around her girlfriend, holding her as sobs racked her body. 

“Oh Bella,” Carina said, feeling the shaking running through Maya’s body that often came with hard crying, “There was nothing you could have done.” 

“I could have gone up on that roof,” Maya choked out, “I could have done it so he didn’t have to.” 

“No,” Carina said, shaking her head, “That is not a solution. You could not have done that and you know it.” 

Maya just sobbed as they stood in the shower. The water started to get cold so Carina turned it off, grabbing towels and guiding Maya out of the shower. 

As they got out, Maya tried as hard as she could to stop crying and managed to do it pretty successfully. They got dried off and dressed before Maya laid down in her bed. 

“Do you want me to get you something to eat?” Carina asked, sitting down next to Maya. 

“Not hungry,” Maya said, shaking her head as she curled into a ball. 

“What can I do?” Carina asked, brushing a piece of hair out of Maya’s face. 

The blonde shrugged, feeling the tears start to fill her eyes again. Carina nodded, getting up. 

Maya had no idea where she went, but she honestly wouldn’t have blamed her for leaving. She was being so weak right now, but she honestly couldn’t do anything else, at least not at the moment. Maya closed her eyes, trying to think about anything but the day she had just had. She opened her eyes when she felt the bed dip down next to her a few minutes later. 

“You came back?” Maya said, wincing a little at how scratchy her voice sounded. 

“I never left,” Carina said, confused, “I just went to get you some water and a protein bar, for later if you want it. And I found your phone. You have a bunch of messages from your team.” 

Maya felt her eyes well up with tears again as she looked at the woman sitting next to her. 

“Come here,” Carina said, opening her arms. 

Maya immediately crawled into her arms as Carina wrapped her in a hug. After a minute, Maya moved a little. 

“Can I have my phone?” she asked, remembering that Carina told her she had messages. 

Carina nodded, handing her her phone. Her entire team had been texting in their group text. They apparently were all getting together later tonight at Miller’s house to just be together and hang out. 

She also had individual texts from Sullivan and Vic. 

Sullivan asked how she was doing and apologized for leaving her in the position to have to make the call about Pruitt. 

She told him she was fine, which was a lie, but she didn’t want to get into it with her boss, and that she forgave him. She wasn’t going to tell him yet, but she was glad he wasn’t the one who had had to make the call because Andy needed someone she could lean on and Maya knew Sullivan was involved with her best friend. If he had been the one to make the call, Andy might have hated him like she probably did Maya which would not have been good for the grieving woman. She was already half mad at Maya so having her be mad at her again wouldn’t be so bad. 

Vic asked if she was alright because she hadn’t been responding in the group chat and she was worried. She also wanted to know if Maya was coming tonight. 

Maya texted her back, telling her that she was with Carina, and while she wasn’t alright, she was fine for now. She also said she might come tonight, if anyone even wanted her there. 

Vic texted her back, saying that of course they wanted her there. Why wouldn’t they want her there? Maya texted back, mostly avoiding Vic’s questions, but saying she would be there. The next thing Maya knew, her phone was ringing. 

“Hello,” she said, pushing up into a sitting position to answer it. 

“Maya,” Vic said, “You don’t think we blame you for this do you?”

Maya was quiet, not trusting her voice. 

“God, Mai,” Vic said, her own voice breaking, “This was not your fault. No one will blame you nor should they. Captain Herrera was going up there whether you let him or not. This is not your fault Maya.”

Maya nodded, forgetting Vic couldn’t see her, but not trusting her own voice. 

After a second, she remembered she was still on the phone and asked, “How are you doing?” 

“This is bringing up some shitty Ripley stuff,” Vic said with a long sigh, “But I’m at Trav’s right now, and I’ll be fine. Do you know what happened to Andy? I didn’t realize until like ten minutes ago, but she didn’t come back to the station after…” 

“She’s being taken care of,” Maya said.

“Is she with you?” Vic asked, confused, “Because Gibson went home with Miller so he’s not with her.”

“No,” Maya said, “But I know where she is and she’s in good hands.” 

“Good,” Vic said, not sure why Maya was being so cryptic, but she wasn’t in the mood to push it. 

“I’ll see you later,” Maya said, “Text or call me if you need anything.” 

“Do you want a ride to Miller’s?” Vic asked before they hung up. 

“That’d be great,” Maya said, nodding, “See you at 6:45?” 

“See you then,” Vic said, hanging up. 

Maya set the phone down before curling into Carina’s chest, sobs erupting from her body again. 

“Oh Bella,” Carina said, just holding her girlfriend. 

It took a good half hour, but Maya’s sobs eventually faded. 

“What time is it?” she mumbled as Carina handed her a tissue. 

“5:30,” Carina said, looking at her phone. 

“Vic is coming to pick me up at 6:45 if that’s ok,” Maya said, “Miller invited us all over to hang out. You could probably come if you wanted.” 

“You should spend time with your team,” Carina said, “I need to catch up on my charting anyways.”

“You can go do that now,” Maya said, “Sorry. I didn’t mean to keep you from your work.” 

“No,” Carina said, shaking her head, “No. The only place I want to be right now is here with you. I would not be able to concentrate knowing you were alone right now. But when you are with your team, I know you aren’t just sitting here grieving alone.” 

“Have I ever told you, you are an amazing girlfriend?” Maya said, turning to Carina and kissing her. 

Carina kissed her back, following Maya’s lead when the blonde pulled away. 

“Is there anything you need?” Carina asked as Maya leaned back into the pillows. 

“Can we just lay here for a little bit?” Maya asked, not wanting to move yet. 

“Of course,” Carina said, nodding as she opened her arms to Maya, the blonde getting comfortable in her embrace.   
“He was a really great captain,” Maya said after a few minutes, “He pushed us when we needed it and encouraged us when we needed that. He cared about all of us so much. He spent the time to make sure we were a family. Everything he did, he did for us, for our team, our family.” 

“He sounds like he was an amazing man,” Carina said, pressing a kiss into Maya’s hair. 

“He is…was,” Maya said, cuddling a little closer to her girlfriend, “My first day at 19, I was so nervous I tried to rig the hose backward. He could have written me off as a stupid probie, but he didn’t. He helped me, trained me, made me the best firefighter I could be. He’s a big part of the reason I have this job. I really miss him.” 

Maya started crying again and Carina just held her close. 

They just laid there for about forty-five minutes before Carina’s phone started going off. 

“I’m getting paged,” Carina said, sighing, “I have to go in. I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t apologize,” Maya said, shaking her head as Carina got out of bed, “It’s your job. Plus, Vic will be here in less than a half an hour.” 

Carina pulled on something that wasn’t pajamas, pulling her hair up before going to Maya, leaning down and kissing her. Maya didn’t want to let her leave, deepening the kiss for a minute before Carina pulled away. 

“I will see you later,” Carina said, smiling at Maya. 

“I might end up crashing at Miller’s tonight,” Maya said, getting out of bed herself, “Just a heads up.” 

“I will text you before I leave,” Carina said, knowing that if Maya was home, she shouldn’t be home alone. 

Maya nodded as Carina left. She went and got herself ready, deciding that she could probably get away with wearing yoga pants, a t-shirt, and one of Carina’s sweatshirts she had commandeered after their trip. She pulled her hair up, not wanting to deal with it tonight. 

She had just finished getting ready when there was a knock on her door. 

“Hey Vic,” Maya said, opening the door and letting her friend in. 

“Hey,” Vic said, coming into the apartment, “Are you ready to go cause Trav is waiting down in the car.” 

“Do I need to bring something?” Maya asked, suddenly realizing she was about to go to someone’s house empty handed. 

“Miller is ordering pizza,” Vic said, shrugging, “If you want alcohol, maybe that.” 

Maya nodded, going to her liquor cabinet and grabbing a new bottle of whiskey. 

“Let’s go,” Maya said, pulling out her keys and locking the door behind them. 

Neither of them said anything as they walked to the car, Maya climbing in the back as Vic got in the front. 

“Hey Maya,” Travis said, smiling a little as she got in. 

“Hey Travis,” she said, clicking her seatbelt as Travis started driving. 

No one said much as they drove to the houseboat, not knowing what to say. They got there, walking down to Dean’s place. They took a deep breath before opening the door. 

“Hey guys,” Dean said from where he was cooking in the kitchen, “Jack is currently asleep in my bed.”

They nodded as Vic went into her room, putting down her bag. 

“Where’s Andy?” Travis asked, suddenly realizing they hadn’t seen her friend since the scene. 

“She’s being taken care of,” Maya said, setting the bottle of whiskey she brought on the counter, “She’s with someone who cares about her.” 

No one question their captain any more, hearing the finality in her voice. 

“So are we drinking or what?” Vic asked, coming back out of her room. 

“Whiskey or tequila,” Miller said, pulling out glasses. 

Everyone got their drinks and went and sat out on the porch, Jack joining them. 

“To Captain Herrera,” Travis said, holding up his glass. 

Everyone joined him, reflecting for a moment before taking their drinks, grateful that their former captain had given the ultimate sacrifice so they could have this moment together.

**Author's Note:**

> What did you think? I just wanted a little more of a look into Maya's grieving experience because I feel like she would have blamed herself, at least somewhat initially for Pruitt's death even though it obviously wasn't her fault. Let me know if you liked this! Another one-shot coming at you tomorrow!


End file.
